Disclaimer: the intention of this article is for the passing of quick, interesting information and entertainment. The author of this article is a vivid reader of cracked.com and anyone familiar with cracked.com will see it etched throughout this piece. It is a PG13+ piece, approved by san00b, that the author also desires input and critique from the members of Blocktopia.
He hopes you enjoy and don't cry.
4. Cap'n Crunch Investigation
Cap'n Crunch is a sweetened “corn” and oat breakfast cereal; you can expertly put a piece over one of your teeth to emulate a pirate's/rapper's golden tooth.
I know this from experience.
Cap'n crunch was almost forced into retirement in 2010 and is now having his title questioned as captain. An attentive reddit user had first made the discovery and from the social networks it moved to a popular foodblog called foodbeast.com. Writer Charisma Madarang titled a quick article “Today I Learned – Cap'n Crunch is a Liar and a Fraud” which lead to national outrage. Enough to get a full blown article of its own on The Wall Street Journal, to get statements like: “We have no Cap’n Crunch in the personnel records – and we checked,” said Lt. Commander Chris Servello, director of the U.S. Navy’s news desk at the Pentagon. “We have notified NCIS and we’re looking into whether or not he’s impersonating a naval officer – and that’s a serious offense.”
Which Cap'n Crunch had to respond via twitter:
Not many people were able to make sense of the nonsense and publically spewed their own outrage on the comment sections of these articles or social platforms. From supporters that probably didn't give a shit before:
or depressingly
I think we can all pick out one thing from this: the internet is serious shit. Serious enough that people will miss Foodbeast apologising for the Cap'n Crunch article or that the U.S. Navy made a clearly humor intended response on the Cap'n Crunch investigation via twitter adding @ComedyCentral to the tagging.
Here's the bigger joke: what if this was just a publicity stunt to get more attention towards the already highly scrutinized brand?
What a smug white bearded bastard.
3. Recloseable Cereal Box Stolen From A Child
There are many things we don't consider as inventions. Like silverware or disposable diapers.
“I wash it wednesdays and sundays”
Mary Speath was an eight year old girl, in 1946, who got pissed off when she opened her cereal and it became stale to the open air. So she got her hands on a small toolbox and experimented with the flaps until she finally succeeded by shaping a protruding notch on one of the flaps which would fit into a slit cut into the other flap. Basically a beautiful miracle.She did this for many years with even her cracker boxes. Unfortunately for Mary and her parents they did not recognize this as an invention; they did not patent it as such. Fourteen years later cereal companies took her design. She is very unrecognized to the point that Google only came up with 4 related searches about her.
Or, “Corporate assholes gave no credit where credit was due.”
2. Corn Flakes To Curb Masturbation
John Harvey Kellogg, brother of Will Keith Kellogg, was the sole creator of the Kellogg Company. Mr. John Kellogg did not see eye to eye with Mr. Will Kellogg, so he gave his brother the finger and started his own company, Battle Creek Toasted Corn Company, which later became Kellogg Company. He is highly credited for the creation of cornflakes which he prescribed as a cure for masturbation.
Obviously.
To Mr. John Kellogg, masturbation was the worst possible thing you could commit. If you didn't die from it you would get cancer, become epileptic, have acne, be shy, and some other nasty stuff. I'm pretty sure my lack of balls are why I have these traits.
What a smug white bearded asshole.
#1 Deadly Oatmeal
A dry porridge that requires an extra helping of sugar, honey, or just something to make it enjoyable. If you eat it alone everyone within a 10 mile radius will feel it and have convulsions.
Speaking of children, we were all interested in joining clubs as kids. Baseball teams, bands, choirs, and a plethora of choices that are pushed and offered to the youth. Most of society holds extracurricular activies in high regard. You as a parent should want to see your child interested in something. Let's say, an offer to a special science club comes to light, at a school called Walter E. Fernald State School. You are delighted that such an opportunity is available and happily sign them up for it. They attend and receive the same schooling expect at lunchtime they're put off to the side and given special treatment like extra oatmeal, with an added bit of radiation.
An extra helping of sugar will not help this.
The moment you hear about Walter E. Fernald State School I want to you throw up. Fernald State was a place they sent unwanted children, like runaways and invalids. They also treated them like trash. It was a controlling environment of particularly nasty things and comments like, “You're a monster. The outside world will hate you.” It also was a part of a nutrition experiment that involved Quaker Oats and MIT to study the contamination on the human body. If this doesn't make you sick then the justification behind this was that they were mentally handicapped and unable to fight back. It was common to do non-consent experiments through the 1940s and 1960s.
Your day just got all kinds of fucked up.
Which would explain why it took 50 years for this to finally settle. Hopefully we can all breathe and hope this doesn't happen anymore. To play it safe though, go eat your GMO eggs and bacon.Trap Wolf is a 19 year old anarchist, plebeian, humanist, useless, artistically autistic, settled, introvertedly extrovert, satirical, university student.
Forsetit is the anonymous genius who contributed 90% of the content.
[12:52] <Trap> how about
[12:52] <Trap> "she opened her cereal and it became stale to the open air."
[12:52] <Forseti> sounds boring
[12:53] <Trap> You're boring
[12:53] <Trap> "it became stale because the air in south Georgia tasted like dick."
[12:53] <Forseti> yes
Editorialism. ^
