Letters to a sheep™
((There are insults and profane language in this thread. Letters to a sheep™ answers and content are not to be taken serious and are for comedic purposes only. You might (and most likely will) get: Mocked and insulted. As said please do not take this serious. While it will not go too far. You might be called dumb or anything.))
Greetings friends, readers, cows, head-staff confirming i'm not posting porn and all other assorted assholes. Welcome to Letters to a Sheep™; a thing i do requested by: nobody!
Here you will ask a sheep for life advice. And you will get that life advice.
FOR I AM THE SHEEP LORD. BEST LAME PERSON AND SPEAKER OF... WORDS. AND I WILL ROCK YOUR WOR- Wait. what? oh? you serious?
Well that's another dollar to add to the copyright infringement jar.
Erm basically you ask some shady life advice and you will get it. Just write a simple letter. Not everything has to be life advice. It can be fan mail, fan art, death threats, fan art of a death threat in a fan mail. Anything as long as you don't spam me links to blocktopia.net because we all know that site and all people in it are-
Erm. Moving on. Let's go and take a look at the letters already sent. But before we do. A disclaimer in size-1 text that nobody will bother to read:
Letters to a sheep™ answers and content are not to be taken serious and are for comedic purposes only. You might (and most likely will) get: Mocked and insulted. As said please do not take this serious and don't go sue me like Malcovent did after i [REDACTED BY MALCOVENT: Do not bring that up, please.]
Moving on. First letter.
Dear sheep
Lately i've been thinking about my life and career as a whole. You know. 3 months ago you gave me this inspiring speech about how to change as a person and reach my goals. And that advice helped. I no longer live on the streets eating kentucky fried chicken buckets out of the trash. (The actual buckets themselves, not the contents) but you know. Being succesfull in life just brought me more troubles than it solved. So i'm going to point it out for any readers : This sheep shit is a big [Redacted by staff]. Stop reading. Please.
And sheep: I want my money back
Signed. Mr. A.S.S Hole
Well hello to you too Mr. Hole. Something about your name makes me want to insult you. Tough you're the first person to send a letter so i'll let it slide. Yeah, you're lucky. So first you come crawling to me, bawling like a little baby and ask me for advice on how to be successful in life and then this. And you're basing this because you can't eat inner-bleeding inducing products? Jeez. Maybe you could just go to KFC. Order a big XXL bucket of jivviwings or whatever they're called. Throw the wings in the employee's face (maybe stick a few up his arse aswell) and then just fucking eat the bucket with the money you got from being succesfull in life? Fucking hell you're not the brightest person for not coming up with that in the first place, are you? Well. We could've already deduced you're an idiot because you love eating plastic buckets but hey, i don't judge peoples' tastes.
Y'know i read this article about psychological problems like this are infectious so we'd best move on before KFC starts charging extra money for the plastic buckets.
Moving on.
deer lamb roast (see what i did there? ;D)
so ive been to this chinese restaurant in the past (the one where they cook up these huge snails and then like stuff them with hamburger sauce) and we were eating this snail and my bud is like DISSS ISS DELISSHUSS like he has a lisp so he spits everywhere so he was like eating this snail and i tried it too and it was so delicious and i cant stop eating please help i have a eating disorder halp
greetings bill
That's a... 'nice' letter there Bill. First things first. Your 'hillarious' joke at the start basically already falls apart like a lubricated kitten on LSD in a steam oven when you come to the realisation that Deer and Lamb meat are different things. But that doesn't surprise me coming from someone claiming to have eaten a hamburgersauce-stuffed snail in a chinese restaurant (I mean, really? What the fuck is wrong with you people?) furthermore. You might want to consider starting to use punctuation. I mean this is just ridiculous. At the end it just looked like you called me bill (wich is obviously not my name). I mean. Did you leave spellcheck off? Because you might want to enable it since you need it harder than 97,4% of the population.
Or maybe this is one of those 'joke letters' you send to here just to squirt a funny reaction out of me. Kind of reminds me of my own life actually. Either way. You look like a retard.
Next letter.
Dear Sheep
I seem to have run into a problem. One week ago I found a book on applied thaumatology where it described the workings of an apportition circle and how to utilize it as a tool for enabling a COLLICULUS imagination system by the use of certain definable aspects in the fourth definition of thaumatology. After i performed everything what was in the book a bunch of chickens from the nearby farm went apeshit and started attacking my house. I now can't go anywhere without a bunch of fucking chickens constantly trying to shove themselves down my chimney. Please tell me how I can undo this chicken madness.
Thank you.
Signed- Farmer Gerald
Okay. You got yourself into some deep shit. Personally I felt like not answering this letter to solve this and instead mock you because your house is being incaded by santa-claus chickens but you know. Contracts and stuff.
First I got a question for you. What the living heck is a farmer doing with the science of magic? You had one job. One goddamn job. And that was herding your livestock from point A to point B. But somehow for one reason or another you performed a thaumic spell and made your neighbours' chickens go apeshit and trying to attack you. YOU'RE A GODDAMN FARMER. I mean... Ugh fuck it.
First of all is establishing the root of the problem. Considering you don't have some weird chicken fetish and hoped the COLLICULUS imagining system did work properly and this is what you wanted all along. If so: Screw you too buddy.
Most likely the chickens went apeshit trough a backlash that you failed to direct into a harmless way for some reason. Now you should probably start by destroying the apportition circle and ridding yourself of any EVE particles still flying around. After that you must reconstruct an apportition circle to make the chicken not to apeshit. Also. Try to properly direct the backlash this time before the local crow population tries to eat you. For more detailed info of how to perform this. Order my DVD online for only 12 payments of €12,50 and hope the mailman doesn't get mauled by the chickens.
And if that doesn't work. Just grab a shotgun and shoot the chickens. Also shoot that local farmer just to leave no evidence. You'll have something to eat for the next two years if you keep them from spoiling.
Well. That's all we got for today. Remember to write if you need anything answered. And remember to eat your veggies. Or the magical sniper fairy might come and deliver you a silenced hollow-point round to the head. That's all.
__________________________________________________________________________
((Just a thing written out of boredom. Go apeshit if you don't like it. And yes, you may write letters just to be ruthfully insulted in the next post if you really want to. Also the original was much worse and much more insulting and profane. I actually had to thoroughly go trough the guidelines to make sure this didn't me instantly banned. So after removing 'fuckhead' and replacing the word 'fuck' with 'Heck, Hell and Screw' on occasion this should be good. And yes. Anything that says 'REDACTED BY STAFF' is put there for entertainment purposes.))
((There are insults and profane language in this thread. Letters to a sheep™ answers and content are not to be taken serious and are for comedic purposes only. You might (and most likely will) get: Mocked and insulted. As said please do not take this serious. While it will not go too far. You might be called dumb or anything.))
Greetings friends, readers, cows, head-staff confirming i'm not posting porn and all other assorted assholes. Welcome to Letters to a Sheep™; a thing i do requested by: nobody!
Here you will ask a sheep for life advice. And you will get that life advice.
FOR I AM THE SHEEP LORD. BEST LAME PERSON AND SPEAKER OF... WORDS. AND I WILL ROCK YOUR WOR- Wait. what? oh? you serious?
Well that's another dollar to add to the copyright infringement jar.
Erm basically you ask some shady life advice and you will get it. Just write a simple letter. Not everything has to be life advice. It can be fan mail, fan art, death threats, fan art of a death threat in a fan mail. Anything as long as you don't spam me links to blocktopia.net because we all know that site and all people in it are-
Erm. Moving on. Let's go and take a look at the letters already sent. But before we do. A disclaimer in size-1 text that nobody will bother to read:
Letters to a sheep™ answers and content are not to be taken serious and are for comedic purposes only. You might (and most likely will) get: Mocked and insulted. As said please do not take this serious and don't go sue me like Malcovent did after i [REDACTED BY MALCOVENT: Do not bring that up, please.]
Moving on. First letter.
Dear sheep
Lately i've been thinking about my life and career as a whole. You know. 3 months ago you gave me this inspiring speech about how to change as a person and reach my goals. And that advice helped. I no longer live on the streets eating kentucky fried chicken buckets out of the trash. (The actual buckets themselves, not the contents) but you know. Being succesfull in life just brought me more troubles than it solved. So i'm going to point it out for any readers : This sheep shit is a big [Redacted by staff]. Stop reading. Please.
And sheep: I want my money back
Signed. Mr. A.S.S Hole
Well hello to you too Mr. Hole. Something about your name makes me want to insult you. Tough you're the first person to send a letter so i'll let it slide. Yeah, you're lucky. So first you come crawling to me, bawling like a little baby and ask me for advice on how to be successful in life and then this. And you're basing this because you can't eat inner-bleeding inducing products? Jeez. Maybe you could just go to KFC. Order a big XXL bucket of jivviwings or whatever they're called. Throw the wings in the employee's face (maybe stick a few up his arse aswell) and then just fucking eat the bucket with the money you got from being succesfull in life? Fucking hell you're not the brightest person for not coming up with that in the first place, are you? Well. We could've already deduced you're an idiot because you love eating plastic buckets but hey, i don't judge peoples' tastes.
Y'know i read this article about psychological problems like this are infectious so we'd best move on before KFC starts charging extra money for the plastic buckets.
Moving on.
deer lamb roast (see what i did there? ;D)
so ive been to this chinese restaurant in the past (the one where they cook up these huge snails and then like stuff them with hamburger sauce) and we were eating this snail and my bud is like DISSS ISS DELISSHUSS like he has a lisp so he spits everywhere so he was like eating this snail and i tried it too and it was so delicious and i cant stop eating please help i have a eating disorder halp
greetings bill
That's a... 'nice' letter there Bill. First things first. Your 'hillarious' joke at the start basically already falls apart like a lubricated kitten on LSD in a steam oven when you come to the realisation that Deer and Lamb meat are different things. But that doesn't surprise me coming from someone claiming to have eaten a hamburgersauce-stuffed snail in a chinese restaurant (I mean, really? What the fuck is wrong with you people?) furthermore. You might want to consider starting to use punctuation. I mean this is just ridiculous. At the end it just looked like you called me bill (wich is obviously not my name). I mean. Did you leave spellcheck off? Because you might want to enable it since you need it harder than 97,4% of the population.
Or maybe this is one of those 'joke letters' you send to here just to squirt a funny reaction out of me. Kind of reminds me of my own life actually. Either way. You look like a retard.
Next letter.
Dear Sheep
I seem to have run into a problem. One week ago I found a book on applied thaumatology where it described the workings of an apportition circle and how to utilize it as a tool for enabling a COLLICULUS imagination system by the use of certain definable aspects in the fourth definition of thaumatology. After i performed everything what was in the book a bunch of chickens from the nearby farm went apeshit and started attacking my house. I now can't go anywhere without a bunch of fucking chickens constantly trying to shove themselves down my chimney. Please tell me how I can undo this chicken madness.
Thank you.
Signed- Farmer Gerald
Okay. You got yourself into some deep shit. Personally I felt like not answering this letter to solve this and instead mock you because your house is being incaded by santa-claus chickens but you know. Contracts and stuff.
First I got a question for you. What the living heck is a farmer doing with the science of magic? You had one job. One goddamn job. And that was herding your livestock from point A to point B. But somehow for one reason or another you performed a thaumic spell and made your neighbours' chickens go apeshit and trying to attack you. YOU'RE A GODDAMN FARMER. I mean... Ugh fuck it.
First of all is establishing the root of the problem. Considering you don't have some weird chicken fetish and hoped the COLLICULUS imagining system did work properly and this is what you wanted all along. If so: Screw you too buddy.
Most likely the chickens went apeshit trough a backlash that you failed to direct into a harmless way for some reason. Now you should probably start by destroying the apportition circle and ridding yourself of any EVE particles still flying around. After that you must reconstruct an apportition circle to make the chicken not to apeshit. Also. Try to properly direct the backlash this time before the local crow population tries to eat you. For more detailed info of how to perform this. Order my DVD online for only 12 payments of €12,50 and hope the mailman doesn't get mauled by the chickens.
And if that doesn't work. Just grab a shotgun and shoot the chickens. Also shoot that local farmer just to leave no evidence. You'll have something to eat for the next two years if you keep them from spoiling.
Well. That's all we got for today. Remember to write if you need anything answered. And remember to eat your veggies. Or the magical sniper fairy might come and deliver you a silenced hollow-point round to the head. That's all.
__________________________________________________________________________
((Just a thing written out of boredom. Go apeshit if you don't like it. And yes, you may write letters just to be ruthfully insulted in the next post if you really want to. Also the original was much worse and much more insulting and profane. I actually had to thoroughly go trough the guidelines to make sure this didn't me instantly banned. So after removing 'fuckhead' and replacing the word 'fuck' with 'Heck, Hell and Screw' on occasion this should be good. And yes. Anything that says 'REDACTED BY STAFF' is put there for entertainment purposes.))
.
