Walking.
Lately this is what I have been doing. I’m not really sure why I started. I think I got sick of everyone telling me to take a walk whenever I get pissed or depressed, which is a lot of the time. So I have started walking.
Today is different because I don’t have a flask on me, or any cigarettes. Didn’t have coffee this morning, I’m not even listening to music.
Just walking. It’s cold and my lungs hurt. I should’ve worn gloves, and a hat. But I was in a hurry. I don’t know what was making me hurry, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
Turning onto another sidewalk.
My shoes are really dirty. They’re grey converse with orange lining, but they just look like a uniform brown color. They’re expensive, I should take more care of them.
A driver honks aggressively at another car.
Startles me a little bit, but I don’t jump. Casually turn my head to see what the drama is about.
There aren’t any cars on the road. I stop walking. Inhale the oxygen that feels like it’s lining my lungs with ice. Exhale what I wish was smoke. Hear shuffling behind me. Startles me again, I spin around.
Stupid cat. White with grey spots, it’s never been friendly to me. A stray neighborhood cat that likes to lure the vulnerable. Regardless, I crouch down and click my tongue at it, hold out my hands like I have a treat to offer. It cautiously approaches, sniffs my fingers.
‘Mrrr’. Stupid cat has a stupid meow. I grin at it. It nuzzles against my hand. Nibbles at my fingers. Some cats do that when they get excited, it’s the epitome of adorable to me.
I rub against it’s ears, back to behind it’s neck. I can imagine snapping it right there, ending it’s life in two seconds flat.
I stop.
Get up, start walking again.
What the hell is wrong with me.
“You alright?” A high voice asks me.
I turn my head in her direction. She’s about the same age as me. Long brown hair, arms crossed and shivering in the cold, still in her pajamas. A look of concern in her dark eyes.
“Yeah, sure. You look cold.” She laughs.
“I am cold. It’s below freezing out here. Even he agrees with me.” She bends down to pet the cat that I just imagined murdering a minute ago, which is now cowering behind her legs.
“What’s his name?” I ask casually.
“Carl.” I smile
“Sagan?” She looks up at me, grinning.
“Of course.” Excellent cat-naming skills, excellent choice in pajama attire, this girl was something else.
She clears her throat.
“Do you want some coffee?” She seems a little nervous, I wonder if I’ve been standing her too long. Is this something a normal person would do? Talk to a stranger about her cat, and then accept a coffee?
I turn my head in the direction of my house.
“I think I should be headed back soon, actually.”
Her face falls, and she tries to hide her disappointment. She lights up again just as quickly.
“Oh, that’s fine. Maybe some other time.”
I don’t even know her name yet and I have a huge crush on her. I nod towards her.
“Yeah. Hey, what’s your name?”
She picks her cat up and rubs her face against his.
“Andy. Yours?”
I smile at her.
“Luna. Lovely to meet you.”
Lately this is what I have been doing. I’m not really sure why I started. I think I got sick of everyone telling me to take a walk whenever I get pissed or depressed, which is a lot of the time. So I have started walking.
Today is different because I don’t have a flask on me, or any cigarettes. Didn’t have coffee this morning, I’m not even listening to music.
Just walking. It’s cold and my lungs hurt. I should’ve worn gloves, and a hat. But I was in a hurry. I don’t know what was making me hurry, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
Turning onto another sidewalk.
My shoes are really dirty. They’re grey converse with orange lining, but they just look like a uniform brown color. They’re expensive, I should take more care of them.
A driver honks aggressively at another car.
Startles me a little bit, but I don’t jump. Casually turn my head to see what the drama is about.
There aren’t any cars on the road. I stop walking. Inhale the oxygen that feels like it’s lining my lungs with ice. Exhale what I wish was smoke. Hear shuffling behind me. Startles me again, I spin around.
Stupid cat. White with grey spots, it’s never been friendly to me. A stray neighborhood cat that likes to lure the vulnerable. Regardless, I crouch down and click my tongue at it, hold out my hands like I have a treat to offer. It cautiously approaches, sniffs my fingers.
‘Mrrr’. Stupid cat has a stupid meow. I grin at it. It nuzzles against my hand. Nibbles at my fingers. Some cats do that when they get excited, it’s the epitome of adorable to me.
I rub against it’s ears, back to behind it’s neck. I can imagine snapping it right there, ending it’s life in two seconds flat.
I stop.
Get up, start walking again.
What the hell is wrong with me.
“You alright?” A high voice asks me.
I turn my head in her direction. She’s about the same age as me. Long brown hair, arms crossed and shivering in the cold, still in her pajamas. A look of concern in her dark eyes.
“Yeah, sure. You look cold.” She laughs.
“I am cold. It’s below freezing out here. Even he agrees with me.” She bends down to pet the cat that I just imagined murdering a minute ago, which is now cowering behind her legs.
“What’s his name?” I ask casually.
“Carl.” I smile
“Sagan?” She looks up at me, grinning.
“Of course.” Excellent cat-naming skills, excellent choice in pajama attire, this girl was something else.
She clears her throat.
“Do you want some coffee?” She seems a little nervous, I wonder if I’ve been standing her too long. Is this something a normal person would do? Talk to a stranger about her cat, and then accept a coffee?
I turn my head in the direction of my house.
“I think I should be headed back soon, actually.”
Her face falls, and she tries to hide her disappointment. She lights up again just as quickly.
“Oh, that’s fine. Maybe some other time.”
I don’t even know her name yet and I have a huge crush on her. I nod towards her.
“Yeah. Hey, what’s your name?”
She picks her cat up and rubs her face against his.
“Andy. Yours?”
I smile at her.
“Luna. Lovely to meet you.”
I was really nervous today.
I had avoided her house when I went for a walk every day this week. What if she thought I was some creep? How could she not? I wondered if she’d be able to pick up on how often I was thinking about her. Fuck.
I hated this. This whole thing. I would get so obsessed with people, it’d screw everything up for me. I’d start second-guessing myself, my confidence would plummet to an unbelievably low level.
And yet it still seemed worth it. Just the thought of her, no matter how fucked up things got in this head of mine, I could count on the memory of her face to lighten things up for a little while.
“What if she’s not even into chicks”. I forced a laugh out, such a mundane thought for me to have. It was a legitimate thought, though. She asked me to have a coffee, she seemed to genuinely be concerned, but that doesn’t represent attraction. Maybe I would walk into her house to find her boyfriend (Or even her HUSBAND, God forbid) brewing coffee, still in his boxers. I’d stand there while they embraced and bathed themselves in heterosexual love, and then make up an excuse to leave as soon as possible and never leave my house ever again. Except, possibly to adopt another cat. Maybe this time a cat that isn’t stupid enough to walk in front of a moving car. I’d give this new cat an intellectual name, like Jerry. That just screams intelligence-
“Hey.”
I whipped my head around. Fuck.
She was standing right there.
“..Hey” I responded, trying not to stutter.
She stood there for a minute, just staring at me. She tilted her head.
“What’re you doing here?”
I considered the question.
I answered the question.
“Walking.”
It was true. I was walking.
She laughed.
“Well actually you’re just standing in front of my house.”
I took a minute to gather my surroundings.
I was standing in front of her house. What the hell. I hadn’t even meant to walk in this direction. But I did. And now I was here.
Standing in front of her house. Talking to her.
In front of her house.
What the hell was I even doing anymore.
“I’m sorry, is this really fucking weird of me?” I blurted out.
She pondered that for a minute.
“I guess it depends on your definition of weird.”
I took a sudden interest in my shoes, staring them down because I knew my face was red as hell.
“In this case, yes. It’s probably a little weird that you were staring at my house with a blank look for ten minutes.”
Oh wow, look. My shoelace was tied almost perfectly symmetrical.
She was silent for a little while.
“But it’d probably be even weirder if you didn’t accept my offer for a coffee this time.”
I looked up. She had her arms wrapped around her body, she was shaking. Either from nerves or the cold, but I didn’t really care which one it was.
“ANDY. GIRL. GET YOUR ASS INSIDE IT’S FUCKING COLD-” Another girl was shouting to her from their front door. She had short blonde hair and was wearing an apron covered in paint, her face smeared with yellow and orange.
She stopped when she noticed Andy was talking to someone else. She looked at me, her face softened. “Oh. Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to interrupt. You can come inside, too if you want. I mean the house is a mess but I can clean it up real quick, no problem.”
Andy looked at her, just waved her hand.
“Okay. Fuck. I’m sorry. Damn it.” She slammed the door. More shuffling and slamming sounded from the house, presumably she was cleaning up.
Andy laughed.
“That’s my roommate, Ella. I live here with her and her boyfriend. She’s a little eccentric.”
I smiled.
“You seem to have a thing for eccentric.” She nodded, agreeing with me.
“Okay I’m seriously freezing my butt off out here, either you can come inside for coffee or you can stay out here and watch the house, but I guarantee you that the weather inside is much better.” I threw up my hands in mock surrender.
My heart was pounding.
“After you.” She looked pleased.
Her home was much smaller than it appeared from the outside, but in a cozy, quaint sort of way. As soon as she opened the door, we were swarmed by four cats, including Carl, who I bent down and gave some loving to. He responded with his dumb cat noises. I looked up an observed the room we just entered, the living area. The four walls were painted varying shades of blue, and they were plastered with band posters and paintings.
“Wow.”
Andy was holding one of the four cats, an orange fluffy monstrosity that must have weighed at least thirty pounds. She grinned at me.
“It’s a little much, I know. Blank walls make us uncomfortable.”
I walked with Carl around the room, admiring the eclectic and organized chaos. The furniture was all different colors, nothing seemed to match but it all did in it’s own way. It was astounding.
“I love this place.”
I had avoided her house when I went for a walk every day this week. What if she thought I was some creep? How could she not? I wondered if she’d be able to pick up on how often I was thinking about her. Fuck.
I hated this. This whole thing. I would get so obsessed with people, it’d screw everything up for me. I’d start second-guessing myself, my confidence would plummet to an unbelievably low level.
And yet it still seemed worth it. Just the thought of her, no matter how fucked up things got in this head of mine, I could count on the memory of her face to lighten things up for a little while.
“What if she’s not even into chicks”. I forced a laugh out, such a mundane thought for me to have. It was a legitimate thought, though. She asked me to have a coffee, she seemed to genuinely be concerned, but that doesn’t represent attraction. Maybe I would walk into her house to find her boyfriend (Or even her HUSBAND, God forbid) brewing coffee, still in his boxers. I’d stand there while they embraced and bathed themselves in heterosexual love, and then make up an excuse to leave as soon as possible and never leave my house ever again. Except, possibly to adopt another cat. Maybe this time a cat that isn’t stupid enough to walk in front of a moving car. I’d give this new cat an intellectual name, like Jerry. That just screams intelligence-
“Hey.”
I whipped my head around. Fuck.
She was standing right there.
“..Hey” I responded, trying not to stutter.
She stood there for a minute, just staring at me. She tilted her head.
“What’re you doing here?”
I considered the question.
I answered the question.
“Walking.”
It was true. I was walking.
She laughed.
“Well actually you’re just standing in front of my house.”
I took a minute to gather my surroundings.
I was standing in front of her house. What the hell. I hadn’t even meant to walk in this direction. But I did. And now I was here.
Standing in front of her house. Talking to her.
In front of her house.
What the hell was I even doing anymore.
“I’m sorry, is this really fucking weird of me?” I blurted out.
She pondered that for a minute.
“I guess it depends on your definition of weird.”
I took a sudden interest in my shoes, staring them down because I knew my face was red as hell.
“In this case, yes. It’s probably a little weird that you were staring at my house with a blank look for ten minutes.”
Oh wow, look. My shoelace was tied almost perfectly symmetrical.
She was silent for a little while.
“But it’d probably be even weirder if you didn’t accept my offer for a coffee this time.”
I looked up. She had her arms wrapped around her body, she was shaking. Either from nerves or the cold, but I didn’t really care which one it was.
“ANDY. GIRL. GET YOUR ASS INSIDE IT’S FUCKING COLD-” Another girl was shouting to her from their front door. She had short blonde hair and was wearing an apron covered in paint, her face smeared with yellow and orange.
She stopped when she noticed Andy was talking to someone else. She looked at me, her face softened. “Oh. Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to interrupt. You can come inside, too if you want. I mean the house is a mess but I can clean it up real quick, no problem.”
Andy looked at her, just waved her hand.
“Okay. Fuck. I’m sorry. Damn it.” She slammed the door. More shuffling and slamming sounded from the house, presumably she was cleaning up.
Andy laughed.
“That’s my roommate, Ella. I live here with her and her boyfriend. She’s a little eccentric.”
I smiled.
“You seem to have a thing for eccentric.” She nodded, agreeing with me.
“Okay I’m seriously freezing my butt off out here, either you can come inside for coffee or you can stay out here and watch the house, but I guarantee you that the weather inside is much better.” I threw up my hands in mock surrender.
My heart was pounding.
“After you.” She looked pleased.
Her home was much smaller than it appeared from the outside, but in a cozy, quaint sort of way. As soon as she opened the door, we were swarmed by four cats, including Carl, who I bent down and gave some loving to. He responded with his dumb cat noises. I looked up an observed the room we just entered, the living area. The four walls were painted varying shades of blue, and they were plastered with band posters and paintings.
“Wow.”
Andy was holding one of the four cats, an orange fluffy monstrosity that must have weighed at least thirty pounds. She grinned at me.
“It’s a little much, I know. Blank walls make us uncomfortable.”
I walked with Carl around the room, admiring the eclectic and organized chaos. The furniture was all different colors, nothing seemed to match but it all did in it’s own way. It was astounding.
“I love this place.”
