There are a number of things I can't stand about Santa Claus, and I would just love to share them with you. As this letter will make clear, Santa Claus wants to produce an army of mindless insects who will obey its every command. To produce such an army, it plans to destroy people's minds using either drugs or an advanced form of lobotomy. Whichever approach it takes, Santa Claus's insinuations have caused widespread social alienation, and from this alienation a thousand social pathologies have sprung.
In keeping with all of their inner power-hungry brutality, Santa Claus's confidants separate people from their roots and cut their bonds to their natural communities. Santa Claus had promised us liberty, equality, and fraternity. Instead, it gave us antiheroism, cronyism, and adversarialism. I suppose we should have seen that coming, especially since the way Santa Claus orders around its representatives causes them to turn inward, reinforcing their own feelings of victimization and loyalty. They typically turn outward only to impose ideology, control thought, and punish virtually any behavior Santa Claus disapproves of. Although Santa Claus has no problem with that, we need to keep our eyes on it. Otherwise, it'll funnel significant amounts of money to the worst sorts of bad-tempered fainéants there are as soon as our backs are turned. If that thought doesn't send chills down your spine then you are dead to the love of freedom. The rest of us are concerned that Santa Claus consumes, infests, and destroys. It lives off the death and destruction of others. For that reason alone we need to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society—the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth—all of whose lives are made miserable by Santa Claus.
If I were to compile a list of Santa Claus's forays into espionage, sabotage, and subversion, it would fill an entire page and perhaps even run over onto the following one. Such a list would surely make every sane person who has passed the age of six realize that Santa Claus repeatedly expresses the view that the kids on the playground are happy to surrender to the school bully. If the average Joe actually paused for a moment to analyze this dreck in a clear-eyed way, he'd realize that Santa Claus should start developing the parts of its brain that have been impaired by Marxism. At least then it'll stop trying to weave its apolaustic traits, impudent fusillades, and vapid equivocations into a rich tapestry that is sure to poke someone's eyes out. Santa Claus recently went through a totalism phase in which it tried repeatedly to call for ritualistic invocations of needlessly formal rules. In fact, I'm not convinced that this phase of its has entirely passed. My evidence is that this is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Let me therefore state that you might say, “Bettering the world is apparently the last item on Santa Claus's 'to do' list.” Fine, I agree. But I have often maintained that reasonable people can reasonably disagree. Unfortunately, when dealing with Santa Claus and its flacks, that claim assumes facts not in evidence. So let me claim instead that to Santa Claus, the fact that its sick-minded treacheries have yielded little in the way of positive results—and that they certainly have dangerous long-term consequences—is not a reason to stop and reassess. Rather, it's a call to action; it's an opportunity for Santa Claus to regiment the public mind as much as an army regiments the bodies of its soldiers. So you see, Santa Claus's dissertations are a cancer that gnaws away at the national psyche.
