Story Extract - Feedback Wanted Please!

[Infected_alien8_]

Hi,

so for my A-Level Creative Writing course I have to write something using other published pieces of work as influences, and I have to get feedback from people. So I thought I'd post my draft here. If you have time to read it please give me some constructive criticisms/feedback and be as nit picky as possible!

The story is basically an extract from a longer story about a bunch of kids/teens playing a roleplay adventure but with a tragic twist. Fans of a certain web-comic will probably recognise that Homestuck was my main influence for it (which I have to write about in a separate submission).

So yeah, if you have time please could you offer some feedback? Even it's just "I don't like x character" - I only get one chance to submit this draft for my teacher to mark it so I'd like all the feedback I can get please!

I hope you enjoy reading, thanks,

Infected

The story (it has mild swearing and references to pornography, so if you don't want to read any of that, don't click this link!):

 

[Love]

but is l a vowel

and why do some of the characters have such a cringy typing style

 

[Infected_alien8_]

but is l a vowel

and why do some of the characters have such a cringy typing style

Which ones do you find most cringy and how should I change them?

Also is it annoying cringy? I kind of want some of it to be cringy but if it's bad then I'll change it xD

 

[Aqua]

Hi,

so for my A-Level Creative Writing course I have to write something using other published pieces of work as influences, and I have to get feedback from people. So I thought I'd post my draft here. If you have time to read it please give me some constructive criticisms/feedback and be as nit picky as possible!

The story is basically an extract from a longer story about a bunch of kids/teens playing a roleplay adventure but with a tragic twist. Fans of a certain web-comic will probably recognise that Homestuck was my main influence for it (which I have to write about in a separate submission).

So yeah, if you have time please could you offer some feedback? Even it's just "I don't like x character" - I only get one chance to submit this draft for my teacher to mark it so I'd like all the feedback I can get please!

I hope you enjoy reading, thanks,

Infected

The story (it has mild swearing and references to pornography, so if you don't want to read any of that, don't click this link!):
http://www.mediafire.com/view/zh9pt52ychdc6a1/Heyyyyyy_Timothy_workshop_#2.docx

Sorry I thought I read A-level,

For a second I thought you were serious about English being an A-level :^)

 

[Infected_alien8_]

Sorry I thought I read A-level,

For a second I thought you were serious about English being an A-level :^)

fite me

also Creative Writing is actually being removed from the curriculum because government don't like creativity so in a couple of years you'll be right

inb4 drama, art, all forms of english/languages and anything else that isn't regurgitating facts and formulas are removed and we live in a cold world </3

though I do like science because it explains life and stuff, and that's pretty cool

 

[Aqua]

fite me

also Creative Writing is actually being removed from the curriculum because government don't like creativity so in a couple of years you'll be right

inb4 drama, art, all forms of english/languages and anything else that isn't regurgitating facts and formulas are removed and we live in a cold world </3

though I do like science because it explains life and stuff, and that's pretty cool

Also everything that you have ever relied upon or needed in the modern world wouldn't exist without it......

 

[Catcocomics]

inb4 drama, art, all forms of english/languages and anything else that isn't regurgitating facts and formulas are removed and we live in a cold world </3

I am resolute in keeping this world's unusually strong creative potential burning as bright as possible, and I doubt not that many more than I are the same way.
May the world remain colorful.